Alienator

When does a once famed television actor know his career is over? When he appears as a drunken 'Commander' in a Fred Olan Ray movie. Long before 'Celebrity Boxing' or 'Dancing With the Stars', there were less elaborate ways to tell the world your career was over.

I couldn't resist the title. A play on Ridley Scott's 'Alien' and Arnold Whats-his-face's character, 'The Terminator'. Not only this, we have the once sober Jan Michael Vincent heading the cast - with his insert firmly planted in the middle of the back of the box, just above the blurb. He has his same, slicked back, and parted in the middle hairstyle - dressed in black and carrying a very fake looking gun. This is exactly what b-movie heaven consists of. I was only in the first realms of heaven, but after realizing this was a Fred Olan Ray production, I quickly elevated myself towards 7th Heaven.

"It's a futuristic fight to the finish when the commander of a space station prison (Jan Michael Vincent) takes on galactic arch villain Kol. (Ross Hagen) When Kol escapes, on the verge of execution, the commander has no choice but to unleash the Alienator - a ruthless android hunter with one unstoppable purpose: terminate Kol at any cost!

Kol's shuttle crashes on earth and the injured alien is befriended by Armstrong (John Phillip Law). But the Alienator is hot on his trail. She's determined to capture her prey - even if it means blowing away everything and everyone, that gets in her way."

What can I say? I love this movie. It's a complete waste of ninety minutes. We'll never get those minutes back, but isn't it worth it to see a drunk Jan Michael Vincent slur his lines in elaborate fashion?

Fred Olan Ray is the disputed king of low budget film making. Some people love him. Some people despise him. Whatever the case, he never takes himself too seriously, but he never uses the parody angle unless he really has to. 'Alienator', for the most part, takes itself as serious as a much bigger budgeted film. I don't think the crew even realized they were on a peanuts production that would be hitting the video shelves soon after. If they did, they simply didn't mind. Cheesy dialog. Cheesy costumes - Guns and weapons that looked like my nephews Nerf guns. It's all filmed with spaghetti strings and scotch tape, but I'll be damned if this matters.

Ex-female wrestler and bodybuilder, Teagan - looks like a cross between a female KISS groupie and Andre the Giant's love child. She sports a very skimpy two piece 'space suit', and tops a blond wig that makes Vince Neil's style look tame. I guess platinum blond hair and a Paul Stanley star around the eye constitutes being extraterrestrial.

I guess aliens don't have to worry about little things like gravity, or, do they? Kol, our galactic villain is ran over by a group of people traveling to their cabin in a winnebego. I guess the large band-like thingamajig around Kol's neck or silver space suit never set off any warning signs. They all agree to take him to the cabin and call for help. While there, the crew learns of what's happening. It's evident that a cruel and evil space prison commander has summoned the Alienator to do his bidding - whether or not earth as everyone knows it is destroyed in the process. Why should the commander care? He doesn't live on earth anyway. It's the equivalent of blowing up an entire house to kill one rat.

Even if you really don't like sci-fi films, 'Alienator' still has enough 80's cheese and charm to fill all the nooks and crannies. There a tacked on twist ending that will either make you shit and giggle, or fart and wriggle. If all this doesn't tickle your interests, watch it to feel sorry for Jan Michael Vincent or 80's scream queen PJ Soles. You'll be wondering how or why these people chose to capture their roles. It surely wasn't for the money. I guess some people really do have to eat - or - in Vincent's case, buy booze. I guess it WAS for the money.